Impossible to know...

Not to one, but to many:

Take a moment; look at me from where you stand. You will see a gaze from eyes of a mysterious brown. And right you should. Because that is what you see, it is what you believe. After all, why would we disbelieve our own eyes and thought? It's a complex process of course, but one we rely on every day. Routinely, we eat our healthy choice bowl cereal in the morning, knowing that, when we actuate the correct nerve in a precise part of our brain, our hand will swing that delicious bite of morning into our mouth and not smash it into our yet-unshaved chin. And, save for the seemingly consistent mornings where our brain is still in fierce retaliation for the night before, we are fairly certain of this cause/effect relationship.

Because of this, I will not blame you or scorn you. You will not be judged or knocked down. Is it that you didn't look hard enough, or that you didn't see the color for what it really is? Is it not blatantly obvious? Didn't you see the hint of emerald green, yearning to bee seen? For years, covered by the darkness and burdened by that load; drowned out. Never able to shine or to bask openly in the sun. And did you see that far beyond your first glance of browns and greens is a surprisingly vivid, and shield-piercing blue. Shouting to be heard and to be held. I am watching you with pleasure and wonder. Do you see me? Have you really looked..

You are my interest and you will become a part of me forever. No mater your life or love. No matter your sex or preference. No matter your wealth or innocence. I am in constant meditation of the life and lives surrounding me. I am ashamed of nothing because there are not wrong decisions. Everyone has a choice in every aspect of their life. We know the risks and the benefits of every final resolution made, either out of rashness or quiet thought. You are a Unique, with your own foundation and your own merit. Everyone is special to someone and you are special to me; perhaps for a reason that you may never know. Maybe one day I will tell you.

I am ineffective at communication of the heart. I am never understood fully no matter how many questions asked. I am hurtful and hateful. I am vengeful when heartbroken. I am protective of love, though it is rarely seen. You will never truly know me, nor would you want to. You do not like everything about me, nor I you. I understand.

If we part our ways, I hope that you take one thing with you. I chose you to be part of my life for a reason. You will be with me forever because I choose to keep you with me. Therefore, no apologies are given; no regrets are needed. You will always be welcome back. But wait, you forgot to.. take some pictures off the wall, they are yours too.

Oh, and if I forgot to say it. I love you.

My life, six months ago

My life, six months ago

You may know or have heard of Colin, my roommate. Colin and I used to email back and forth all the time. We don't much anymore, but sometimes I look back at them. It's like a journal of my life.

Here's a glimpse of what Stawn was doing/thinking/feeling six months ago...


Cupid, Cupid, Cupid:

So I am loving the feeling I get every morning these days! I have so much energy; it's like each day is an opportunity. I feel like I am in jail, being stuck here at work. My mind is just a jitter right now. I am thinking about so many things. I feel like a lab rat on Tina, running around looking for the cheese! So here's a glimpse into my life. The life of Stawn.


Random Thought #1

Wade keeps calling and texting. I'm really not sure what I think about that. He's a good distraction though, and a pleasurable one at that. Good kissers are hard to come by. I've never played a game with another person that was as fun as the one I play with him! So I waited a week to stay at his house so that I don't become a one night stand. Then I finally stay (no sexxin), and you-guessed-it: He doesn't call or answer his phone. Hmmm. Don't worry I only called him twice and didn't leave any messages (no begging here!). After a week, he calls and says he's been sick at his parent's house. This is a feasible excuse, so I play along. He wants me to call him after work.


Random Thought #2

I think about Matt too often. He is so into drugs I fear he has already lost the part of him that I loved. And yet I still care for him so bad it hurts. I happen to know that his job/car situation didn't pan out as he expected, so I am a little concerned how he is surviving. He has lost touch with all of his friends that were good for him. There was a time when that kid was on top of the world. When I met him he was so sincere, so cheerful, so innocent. I can't help but think he is were he is because of me. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.


Random Thought #3

Oddly, I haven't thought about Bert much… until last night it hit me like a train. I was walking out of Axis and bam, there's this guy who's like "I know you. You used to date Bert. I hang out with him all the time." Funny what the drop of a name will do to a person. A flush of memories and a whirlwind of emotions so seemingly recent they make your spine tingle. Imagine a perfect moment. Everyone has them- they are one of the intricacies of life as we know it. This is a moment that is embedded in your heart. You can grow old, start a family, plant a garden and not think about that moment for months, years, or even a lifetime. Then something random and unexpected occurs, you hear a name, see an image, smell a fragrance long-forgotten but yet somehow distinctly remembered. All at once your there… you know, in the moment. As if it never passed. As if your life from then to now was a mere mid-moment dream and you are there. There: Lying on my stomach at the head of the bed next to him, staring out the window with his shoulder warm against mine. Talking about anything and everything, sometimes nothing, for hours, with the perfect storm pounds on the earth just inches away from our faces. Part of me is still here, staring out that window. Listening to the rain. I really loved that kid… thought I'd be with him forever.


Random Thought #4

My life is completely different then ever before. I always had someone. I have never really been alone. I feel like I missed an opportunity somewhere. The door was right in front of me and I didn't open it. Did I take a wrong turn?

Random Thought #5

Colin. Do you know that I can vividly remember the first time I saw you. That was one of those moments. I was standing at the back of Blondies, drinking what was most probably a Cactus Bowl, and this cute boy walks in with this flair unlike any other. You were standing with Donny (whom I had just met recently) at the bar, artistically dressed as always and fabulous hair. I knew immediately that I had to meet you right then and there before my chance was gone forever. I had the choice to meet you, or to not. I chose to meet you and it changed my life. I think I know you now better than any other friend I have, and yet I feel as if I have hardly scratched the surface. You have so much love to give. We all deal in different ways. Some of us put up walls and are harsh to the touch to prevent hurt. Some of us just stay quiet. Some of us are secretive, manipulative. You intrigue me because you have a little of all of these things. I am honored to have you as a lifetime friend, which I know you will be. I'm not sure how to end this. I feel like I should just keep typing but I'm sure I will write you again soon. I've got to save some of the story for episode II. It is a pleasure like no other to be as open with someone as I am with you. If you ever feel like your life is meaningless or small, know that you have impacted my life immensely. You are, and always will be, my friend.

It is amazing… that I could have gone my whole life without knowing you.

Stawner

Friend Types

I wrote the following when I was a Junior in high school.

(my present-day comments (2006) are in brackets.

I have had a lot of different experiences during the last 3 years of high school. Some have been good and some have not. Everyone thinks that his or her life is worse than the next persons'. I'm no exception. Every once and a while, people like to tell me how, 'good i have it', and every once and a while I have wanted to just shove a garden hose down all their throats and let the water flow! [and i didn't know i was gay why?] They have no idea what is going on in my life! I believe that everyone is push to their limits, by the allowance of God, [yes i was a jesus freak] in order to test their ambitions and convictions in life. I am by no means any kind of educated advice-giver, shrink, or priest, but I try and help others not to make the same mistakes I have. This is my first so-called 'advise page' that I have created all on my own. Maybe it will help you, maybe not. Maybe It'll give you a little more idea on where I'm coming from if I ever say something to you that you don't understand. Is there really any specific purpose for this pace? No...I guess I just felt that some of it needed to be said, So here it is...

There are 5 kinds of friends

1. Acquaintances- these are the friends you meet at parties and talk to whenever you 'run into each other'. Maybe they are kids you sit with at church because you would rather that than to sit with the rents. I think everyone has plenty of these.

Trust 'em? These friends cannot be trusted with anything important. It takes time and attentiveness to build up trust in a person, both of which are never much of a factor in a friendship with an acquaintance.


2. Friends By Transitivity- This is something I made up because there really isn't a name for it that I know of. I got the name from my jeometry calss, where the theory of transitivity states that "if a=b, and b=c, then a=c". Friends by transitivity are the friends that you would never hang out with if not for the fact that they are best friends with a close friend of your own. Because of this you are almost forced to spend lots of time with that person in either a grounp hangout situation, or just sitting at the lunch table everyday. Sometimes these friendships can develop into something more, but they often dont.

Trust 'em? Do not trust them without careful consideration. Just because they have been a good and trustworthy friend to YOUR friend does not require that they treat you in a likewise fashion. Be careful of everything that happens between youa nd this friend because it may have a long-lasting effect on your other friendship. Eg, If 'a' and 'c' have a fight, which side does 'b' choose?


3. Superficial- This i sthe most common type of friend! Pitiful eh? Yeah I thought so too, buyt look at your friends!! If you are like most people, you ahve lots of people you hang out with. Most of those people would stick up for you in a fight, maybe even get hurt defending you when they are grilled by the principal on where the vodka bottle came from. Maybe they'll get a little more popular by hanging out with you...wait what was that?? Yes, maybe there is a reason why they act the way they do around you. Maybe they got booted from their old clique and need a new, temporary friend to hang with. Good at math? Maybe it's their worst subject...how many times do they ask you for yesterdays homework? Dont have a hissy fit if you suddenly realize that you have a friend like this. Most likely, you are this kind of friend to someone else [never thought of that did you?]

Trust 'em? Well with some things, I suppose you could...maybe they wont tell the whole school that you screwed one of your classmates at a party last weekend. Maybe they'll even lie for you so that it doesnt get all over the school. But what happens when your parents break the news that they're getting a divorse? Where'd your friend go? They'll tell you to suck it up and move on. "LIfes a bitch, man, get over it" they'll say. Where's the support when you need it? If they're like most superficial friends, they'll decide that you are no longer 'any fun' and find a new, more exciting crowd.


4. Emotionally Influenced- to put it simply, these are friends that have a crush on you. They might have already let you know, or maybe they keep it insdie. But as long as they like you, they treat you like a king (or queen). [Seriously, didnt know i was gay...]. They are there for you when you are down. They compliment you and raise your self esteem. They keep you company when no one else will, and lend you money at lunch. Dont be fooled. They minute they find another person to replace you on their 'like list' you are no more important to them than a fly on the wall. Maybe they'll never turn their back on you...maybe they are too good of a person to betray you in the end, but most likely they are putting up a very large, very fake front. They make themselves out ot be what you like and try to do everything to make you like them. Only after time will you see the true person that they are, which is why it is never good to rush into things. That I have learned from bitter experiance. Ask around about the person before getting involved (if that is osmething you are considering). NOTE: do not *ever* trust everything you hear about a person, but listen to others so that you will know what to watch out for. Maybe you will get the hint you need to see through the front that that person has put up.

Trust 'em? No. Not unless you are completely satisfied that they are the person they pretend to be and that they are an honorable person.


5. Real (sometimes known as Best) Friends- These are...well there really isn't anything I can say in words. I guess its a gut feeling. Best friends survive over any distance, over any misunderstanding, over any hardships. The only way you can really know whether a friend is of this type is by spending innumerous hours of quality time with him/her. If you know her inside and out, and can tell them anything about you (anything). If they know the worst thing about you and its OK. Maybe you drank a little too much one night a couple of years ago and screwed the cat [I sware it wasnt me] you might never tell anyone, but you could share that with a best friend. I dont know why the hell you would want to, but if you did want to...you could! Real friends are always there to support you and help you through anything. Even if it is completely out of their way or inconvenient for them. One of the most determining factors in whether a friend is a true and honorable friend is knowing that you can have the biggest fight in teh world and end up laughing over it in teh end. Best friends know that physical things can't seperate them, and, no matter what happens, they can always depend on each other beacause love, (including brotherly love) has no boundaries. No limits. No end.


This isnt something I got out of a book, or off an email. I just thought I would write down some things I have learned about the reality of life. It might influence you, it might not. Take a look at your friends right now. See how they rate. Dont use this page as a grading scale, just observe them and how they treat you. You'll know the truth before long.

[A wise woman once said that when you die, you will be able to count your best friends on one hand]