My life, six months ago

My life, six months ago

You may know or have heard of Colin, my roommate. Colin and I used to email back and forth all the time. We don't much anymore, but sometimes I look back at them. It's like a journal of my life.

Here's a glimpse of what Stawn was doing/thinking/feeling six months ago...


Cupid, Cupid, Cupid:

So I am loving the feeling I get every morning these days! I have so much energy; it's like each day is an opportunity. I feel like I am in jail, being stuck here at work. My mind is just a jitter right now. I am thinking about so many things. I feel like a lab rat on Tina, running around looking for the cheese! So here's a glimpse into my life. The life of Stawn.


Random Thought #1

Wade keeps calling and texting. I'm really not sure what I think about that. He's a good distraction though, and a pleasurable one at that. Good kissers are hard to come by. I've never played a game with another person that was as fun as the one I play with him! So I waited a week to stay at his house so that I don't become a one night stand. Then I finally stay (no sexxin), and you-guessed-it: He doesn't call or answer his phone. Hmmm. Don't worry I only called him twice and didn't leave any messages (no begging here!). After a week, he calls and says he's been sick at his parent's house. This is a feasible excuse, so I play along. He wants me to call him after work.


Random Thought #2

I think about Matt too often. He is so into drugs I fear he has already lost the part of him that I loved. And yet I still care for him so bad it hurts. I happen to know that his job/car situation didn't pan out as he expected, so I am a little concerned how he is surviving. He has lost touch with all of his friends that were good for him. There was a time when that kid was on top of the world. When I met him he was so sincere, so cheerful, so innocent. I can't help but think he is were he is because of me. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.


Random Thought #3

Oddly, I haven't thought about Bert much… until last night it hit me like a train. I was walking out of Axis and bam, there's this guy who's like "I know you. You used to date Bert. I hang out with him all the time." Funny what the drop of a name will do to a person. A flush of memories and a whirlwind of emotions so seemingly recent they make your spine tingle. Imagine a perfect moment. Everyone has them- they are one of the intricacies of life as we know it. This is a moment that is embedded in your heart. You can grow old, start a family, plant a garden and not think about that moment for months, years, or even a lifetime. Then something random and unexpected occurs, you hear a name, see an image, smell a fragrance long-forgotten but yet somehow distinctly remembered. All at once your there… you know, in the moment. As if it never passed. As if your life from then to now was a mere mid-moment dream and you are there. There: Lying on my stomach at the head of the bed next to him, staring out the window with his shoulder warm against mine. Talking about anything and everything, sometimes nothing, for hours, with the perfect storm pounds on the earth just inches away from our faces. Part of me is still here, staring out that window. Listening to the rain. I really loved that kid… thought I'd be with him forever.


Random Thought #4

My life is completely different then ever before. I always had someone. I have never really been alone. I feel like I missed an opportunity somewhere. The door was right in front of me and I didn't open it. Did I take a wrong turn?

Random Thought #5

Colin. Do you know that I can vividly remember the first time I saw you. That was one of those moments. I was standing at the back of Blondies, drinking what was most probably a Cactus Bowl, and this cute boy walks in with this flair unlike any other. You were standing with Donny (whom I had just met recently) at the bar, artistically dressed as always and fabulous hair. I knew immediately that I had to meet you right then and there before my chance was gone forever. I had the choice to meet you, or to not. I chose to meet you and it changed my life. I think I know you now better than any other friend I have, and yet I feel as if I have hardly scratched the surface. You have so much love to give. We all deal in different ways. Some of us put up walls and are harsh to the touch to prevent hurt. Some of us just stay quiet. Some of us are secretive, manipulative. You intrigue me because you have a little of all of these things. I am honored to have you as a lifetime friend, which I know you will be. I'm not sure how to end this. I feel like I should just keep typing but I'm sure I will write you again soon. I've got to save some of the story for episode II. It is a pleasure like no other to be as open with someone as I am with you. If you ever feel like your life is meaningless or small, know that you have impacted my life immensely. You are, and always will be, my friend.

It is amazing… that I could have gone my whole life without knowing you.

Stawner